And..... this is really hard.......
I did - I screwed up so badly with those two little boys. Life was really, REALLY difficult for me. I suddenly had a temper that would flare up for the smallest little thing and I had a husband who was working weekends. I was home alone most of the time with those two little boys. I would scream at them, I hit them, I had no patience for them and I didn't know who I was. I had become a monster - a person I didn't even recognise in the mirror - and when people visited I hid it. I put on a brave face and pretended everything was fine - while I was dying inside. And I was killing any affection those children may have felt for me before we got married. I was a Wicked Stepmother - in every way. And I didn't know how to stop it. I loved those boys so much - and still do today, but I just didn't know how to show them that.....
And their mom was also a part of the problem - for me. I have been and always will be compared to her by them cause she doesn't have to make sure they do homework, tidy their rooms and brush their teeth. She doesn't have to get them up for school on cold winter mornings etc. She got to do the fun things with them. And she got to visit over fun times like birthdays, at parties I had arranged and baked for and worked hard at. But she is their mom - and I cannot compete with that. For the longest time I felt like I had the whole world on my shoulders...
See, when I started this process of dealing with things in my past and so on - this old burden of pain in my heart kept coming up too. At the moment, I have a pretty good relationship with my two boys, but that's because I finally turned to Jesus. I stopped the yelling and fighting and focused on being friends. Only through His grace. We still have little moments of friction - but they pass quickly. I don't scream anymore and I don't hit them - I haven't for years. But the guilt of that has never left me.
You see, very often we think that we can do nothing about our guilt - but we are so wrong...
This morning I was sitting feeling sorry for myself again and nurturing this heartache that I caused myself. I was chastising myself for being so rotten as a mother to these two boys who had no choice in the matter - ever. I tried to write a poem about being a stepmom - but when all those emotions came flowing out of my pen there was no rhyme and I couldn't think poetically. I suddenly heard God saying to me that I had to forgive myself. His love was suddnely so real all around me that I was overwhlemed. I asked Him to take away the pain in my heart. I don't want to carry it and I don't want to feel like this. And as I did that - I felt an almost instant lifting of my Spirit.
In my mind I saw a picture of a flower bed choked with weeds, and as I had started to pull out some of the weeds - I had to pull up the rest too because they were all linked to each other - like a runner or like a grass root. And God spoke to me saying that He had begun a process in me and He was going to finish it. He is going to remove all the weeds that are choking my heart and causing me such pain. I can feel the weeds coming out and I can hear that popping, ripping sound you hear when you grab a large weed and pull it out of the ground.
I have taken all that self pity and bitterness from the first few years of my marriage and handed them over to God. I can feel the healing taking place. And once all the weeds are removed it will be easier to remove any new weeds that try to take root there, and I will be able to have a beautiful spiritual garden in my heart. One that I will water regularly with God's word.
Thank you Jesus for Your healing and Your love. Thank You for starting something in me that only You can complete. Make my garden Your garden Lord and plant there seeds from your word.
Amen
14 comments:
Amen! I love you! Your friend, the other step-mom. xoxox
now i have a big lump in my throat! i so admire you for taking on those two boys, i'm impressed! god bless!
Dawn - I love you too other step-mom. Thanks for being my friend.
Angel - I admire you too for your strength with Damien. Blessings to you too.
Dang Spookie I was trying to not cry today. Huggiez to ya my friend.
xoxoxo
Spookie, thanks for being so real and transparent. I don't have any experience with being a stepMum (bunnygirl is the expert there), but I do know that it can be like this with our natural born children too, they can have entirely different personalities to us and other challenging issues (like my son has)and parenting is a full time job with no instruction manual.
It has been through situations with my children that God has reached me at a very deep level.
Wonderful posting :-)
PS I'm nosey - did you know Bunnygirl pre blogland or in blogworld?
Spookie what an honest blog.Thanks.
As a mum with a child with an undiagnosed problem growing up I feel similar regrets to what you disclosed. But when all is said and done, I am sure we all did the best we could at the time.
I thank God that He brings healing and restoration to both us and our children.
Hey Spookie,
I've been meaning to say hi but it's been busy. What an amazing honest post. I totally feel for you on the step mother front. Like you, I married a man with two children from a past marriage. It was tough because they were so young and I resented anytime spent with them. They were also at that difficult phase - terrible twos etc and,not being mumsy, I found myself shaking with anger often.
Now time has moved on and I finally have a love for both of them, I feel they are a part of my family and care about what happens to them. But it took a long time and I had to deal with myself and my selfish thoughts (still have to from time to time).
Glad you are seeing healing from that time and that you have a better relationship with your stepkids now.
I have no doubt that this post will help others so thanks for being so open. Being a stepmum is tough at times so it's good to know that you aren't alone in that area.
Lots of love
You are a good mom and you hv done a great job raising those two boys!
Ooooh honey! Get rid of the guilty weeds. You're doing a great job to start with and God will do the rest. It's amazing how hard we think it is to get rid of guilt, unforgiveness and sin. But if we let God have it, what a freedom our hearts feel. By holding onto these things we keep God away. Repentance brings Him in soooo close you can hear His heart.
Beads - Thanks for the hugs and the tears.
Kare - Yes, I agree all children can be and are challenging. Though the experiences I have had with my step children and my own child, are very different. God does reach us most poignantly through our children - this I know very well.
And to answer your question - I did not know Bunny before blogging. I discovered her - or she discovered me through blogging.
Gail - Yes, I beleive we do. But I no longer want to look back with regrets. I want to build memories.
Bunny - I have learned that part of the reason it takes so long to build a relationship with a stepchild is because that bond you have almost instantly with your own baby is not there with stepbabies - it has to be built over time, very very carefully. Thanks for your encouragement - it is not always easy being a stepmum, but I do believe with ALL my heart that is possible to be a good stepmum - through Jesus.
NMOTB - Thank you so much. That means so much to me.
Debs - I know, isn't it amazing how easy it actually is to get rid of these things. I had been keeping Him "at bay" so to speak for ages, now He is really close. And yes I can hear His heart.
You will not know how much this post encouraged me today! I came back to it. My son is 5 and has some challenging issues that we are trusting God with for his healing, but dealing with a high maintenance boy (and it's School hols now) and giving my 3 year old daughter attention has been very hard, and I've felt so weary with the being consistent and having to keep him on the right path this past week that I feel like crying. I blew it this morning with him, got in a right strop - God brought us through but aaah, it's tough at times.
Karen Honey, parenting of any child is difficult, whether he is a child with challenges or a complient child. We always look for the faults within ourselves with questions like "where did I go WRONG???", but you know, we can only do so much. The rest is up to Jesus. We need to trust Him COMPLETELY when we hand our babies over in prayer. I have blown it SO many times with my boys - and I feel like such a failure. But there is nothing a hug and an "I'm sorry" can't fix with our children. God will never give us more than we can handle and in order for us to handle it we have to turn to him. That is how He keeps us close to Him. I am so glad that this post meant something to you. Don't feel like you are alone, there is always another mom out there who knows what you are going through - just reach out and ask for some support when you feel you need it.
Love You Kare!!!
I just got a mag with this info:
1 in 3 Americans in currently a member of a blended family
65% if remarriages involve children
Over 40% if current marriages are second or third marriages
The average blended family needs about 7 years to form a new family identity.
Wow. I think it is great that you have experienced what it is like to be a stepmother, especially now that you love Jesus. Perhaps, since the need is so great, you could minister to other women who find themselves in like positions? :D
Jennifer - Wow - interesting stats there Jen. I do believe that Jesus will use what I have learned as a stepmother to reach other step moms - but I still have some mighty big rivers to cross and He is still polishing me in that area. I will know when I am ready to minister to other step moms.
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