A PROCESS STARTED....

When I got married to my Hubby 8 years ago, I told myself and everyone else that I knew what I was doing. Nobody could tell me how difficult it could get or how desperate I would feel at time - cause I KNEW!! I was 22 - what the hell did I know?? I married a man who had 2 little boys and I knew nothing about being a mother. I had no mothering instict, no clue. And I felt like the whole world was watching me waiting for me to screw things up.

And..... this is really hard.......

I did - I screwed up so badly with those two little boys. Life was really, REALLY difficult for me. I suddenly had a temper that would flare up for the smallest little thing and I had a husband who was working weekends. I was home alone most of the time with those two little boys. I would scream at them, I hit them, I had no patience for them and I didn't know who I was. I had become a monster - a person I didn't even recognise in the mirror - and when people visited I hid it. I put on a brave face and pretended everything was fine - while I was dying inside. And I was killing any affection those children may have felt for me before we got married. I was a Wicked Stepmother - in every way. And I didn't know how to stop it. I loved those boys so much - and still do today, but I just didn't know how to show them that.....

And their mom was also a part of the problem - for me. I have been and always will be compared to her by them cause she doesn't have to make sure they do homework, tidy their rooms and brush their teeth. She doesn't have to get them up for school on cold winter mornings etc. She got to do the fun things with them. And she got to visit over fun times like birthdays, at parties I had arranged and baked for and worked hard at. But she is their mom - and I cannot compete with that. For the longest time I felt like I had the whole world on my shoulders...

See, when I started this process of dealing with things in my past and so on - this old burden of pain in my heart kept coming up too. At the moment, I have a pretty good relationship with my two boys, but that's because I finally turned to Jesus. I stopped the yelling and fighting and focused on being friends. Only through His grace. We still have little moments of friction - but they pass quickly. I don't scream anymore and I don't hit them - I haven't for years. But the guilt of that has never left me.


You see, very often we think that we can do nothing about our guilt - but we are so wrong...

This morning I was sitting feeling sorry for myself again and nurturing this heartache that I caused myself. I was chastising myself for being so rotten as a mother to these two boys who had no choice in the matter - ever. I tried to write a poem about being a stepmom - but when all those emotions came flowing out of my pen there was no rhyme and I couldn't think poetically. I suddenly heard God saying to me that I had to forgive myself. His love was suddnely so real all around me that I was overwhlemed. I asked Him to take away the pain in my heart. I don't want to carry it and I don't want to feel like this. And as I did that - I felt an almost instant lifting of my Spirit.

In my mind I saw a picture of a flower bed choked with weeds, and as I had started to pull out some of the weeds - I had to pull up the rest too because they were all linked to each other - like a runner or like a grass root. And God spoke to me saying that He had begun a process in me and He was going to finish it. He is going to remove all the weeds that are choking my heart and causing me such pain. I can feel the weeds coming out and I can hear that popping, ripping sound you hear when you grab a large weed and pull it out of the ground.



I have taken all that self pity and bitterness from the first few years of my marriage and handed them over to God. I can feel the healing taking place. And once all the weeds are removed it will be easier to remove any new weeds that try to take root there, and I will be able to have a beautiful spiritual garden in my heart. One that I will water regularly with God's word.


Thank you Jesus for Your healing and Your love. Thank You for starting something in me that only You can complete. Make my garden Your garden Lord and plant there seeds from your word.



Amen

DEALING WITH FORGIVENESS AND THE PAST

For a long time now the Lord has been urging me to seek forgiveness from the people I wronged in my past. Yes, I did some really selfish and thoughtless things and I have lived with the guilt and have not been able to forgive myself for these things.
None of what I did was intentional, but I caused hurt and pain for some people and I have never told them how truly sorry I am. Why had I not done that – well because that would mean facing up to them and admitting that what I did was wrong and hurtful and ask them to forgive me. It would mean putting my pride in my very deep pocket – and becoming very humble.








What I did was I set out to write some letters, partly because I know I won't be able to say what is in my heart without crying, and partly because when you put something like that down on paper - it seems to mean so much more. Anyway, after alot of prayer and thought I finally sat down and wrote the letters, four to be exact. One I still have to send off.
What I can definitely tell you is that the burden that has been lifted from my heart is unbelievable. I now know that I am forgiven and I know that the people I wronged hold no grudges. I mean they could have said no – no they won’t or no they can’t forgive yet. And then I would have to live with that. But the thing is the bible says that God can only forgive us as we forgive others – so if we don’t forgive, God cannot forgive us. (the Lords Prayer - Matt 6:12 "...and forgive us our tresspasses, as we forgive those who tresspass against us....)
So it is a healing process for both parties. The forgiven is released of the guilt burden and the forgiver is in turn released of a grudge held.

AIRPORT PHOTOS, AS PROMISED...

Where to go......?




















Checked in and ready to go.















Getting ready to taxi out.















Taxing out to the runway....















Up, up and awwwwaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!

BOY WHAT A MAD RUSH!!!

After a bit of a mad rush and not being able to get into my complex, keys getting misplaced, not finding the right floor at the airport and almost getting stuck in the lift at the airport we managed to get the boys on their flight on time - just! And all thanks to my sister. What would I have done without her - my arrangement for getting to the airport fell flat at almost the last minute so I had to phone her for help. She remained calm and collected the whole time while I was the one freaking out - yelling, swearing (terrible I know - I have apologised to the neccessary parties) and getting all worked up. By the time we got to my hubby I could feel the burning in my cheeks. I get all red and blotchy when I get stressed, angry or if I cry. And isn't it funny that when you are in a hurry your phone will ring every 3 minutes!! My phone NEVER rings - NEVER. But yesterday between 2:00 & 4:00 - it didn't bloody stop. Most of the time it was hubby asking "Where are you now?" I felt like tossing it out the window. "You know what? It's not my fault we are late. OK? Bye." - I snapped at him on our last telphone conversation and hung up. But he didn't even seem to notice that. That was just before we found him inside.
Sis - you were a star! I don't know what I would have done without you yesterday. You totally saved the day. At least I know now how it all works and luckily the "check in" line wasn't busy at all - there was no que. So I breathe a huge sigh of relief now that that is all over.
The boys landed safely and are already enjoying themsleves down at the beach.

Next time I will take the day off to do this whole thing.

I will be posting pictures soon.....

CARS, PLANES AND WEEKEND PLANS......


Update on our car – it is not a right-off, they will be fixing it for us. The engine is not too seriously damaged. I am just glad to finally know what is happening. I have no idea how long it will take, I just hope it is done right the first time so we don’t have to keep going back and forth afterwards for things that weren’t fixed. I am such an optimist!! Actually I am, and I know that we will have our car in no time – these are just thoughts that go through my mind, I don’t dwell on such things.

My two stepsons, Mark and Sean are going to visit their mom in Durban for two weeks. She phoned on Wednesday and asked if they could come down for the holidays. And would we be able to fly them down. So I went and did some investigating before I phoned my Hubby and discovered that SAA does fly unaccompanied minors (Children between 6 and 12 years) at no extra fee at all. Sean is still a minor as he is 9 years old – about to turn 10. The flight attendants will look after him and make sure he gets on the correct flight and is picked up on the other side and all that. They will also help Mark because he will not be sure where to go anyway. Now all of this bugs me a little because I know that I will have them at the airport at the right time and will be there until the plane is in the air. What’s worrying me a bit is not being there on the other side to make sure they get their luggage and meet their mom safely etc. You see, the only person I fully trust with them when it comes to traveling and going to busy places etc, is me.
But I do know that my sister and I flew to CPT when I was about 10 and the flight attendants looked after us very well.
I don’t want to come across as paranoid because I am not that at all – never have been. You see the thing is when they have gone down to visit her in the past; we have actually driven them there! Crazy I know and exhausting, believe me. Pta to Dbn and back in one trip is NO joke – but that way we knew that were safely handed over to her and were where they should be. I don’t like to leave my children in other peoples care. I only really trust myself and my immediate family with them. But I suppose in every parent’s life there are times when we have to let go just a little at a time, so that our children can experience things for themselves too.

So they fly on Monday at around 4:00 and fly home on the 7th July and will be landing at about 1:00 – two weeks is more than enough. They are very excited and Sean has never flown before – so he is really excited. Even though it is such a short flight (one whole hour). Nevertheless, still exciting. We are going on Saturday morning (tomorrow) to pick up the tickets from the Airport because a travel agency wants to charge us an arm and a leg per child for the same flight. The airport has charged us R793.00 per child return (Their mom is paying for one ticket and we are paying for the other one). The travel agency wanted to charge us R1400 for Mark return and R1200 for Sean return. MADNESS – and I told them that too.

We have a very busy weekend ahead of us. Tomorrow, as I mentioned, it is off to the airport early to pick up the tickets then we go to do our grocery shopping (woo hoo), then we are going to watch some rugby at a friends house and braai there. Sunday we are going to church then to the in-laws (mine) for lunch and then my mom and I are going to a City Celebration at the Std Bank Arena with my church. I cannot wait for that – a live band and worship and all that yummy stuff!! This is not the one where I will be singing – that is only in September.
Monday is back to work and then at 2:00 we take the kids to the airport to see them off. Hopefully after that there will be no running around for a while…. Just writing this makes me feel tired.

And yesterday I was so busy arranging all this that I clean forgot to tell my hubby that Donovan was going to a play date at a friend’s house and he wouldn’t be at school. The poor man was frantic when he got to the school to pick him up and Donovan wasn’t there. I just clean forgot to tell him. I apologized profusely, but I know I wasn’t very popular for a while.

And I have a pimple on my face which could be given it’s own identity, name, occupation and all that. I feel like I should be wearing a hanky over my face like the bandits used to do so that I don’t scare anyone – but think if I just stay in my office I will be safe from people fleeing in terror and screaming…..

Anyway, I do hope you all have a good weekend. For those of you going through some stuff, I am thinking of you and praying for you. I will be back on Monday all bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready for another week, which would never be the same without my blogland family.

Have a good one!!!

OUR POOR CAR...
This is what our car looks like now.

What you can see here is the body damage. There is alot of engine damage too and the insurance company is really dragging their great big heavy feet with assessing our car. The first assessment they took they told us the body damage is R30 000. And when my husband asked them about the engine they said "Oh, is that also as a result of the accident too?"

Well DUH!!! I cannot understand them.

Anyway - we are still waiting. And for now we are using Hubby's dad's car, luckily they have two cars. We are kinda hoping that the damage will add up to a write off, that way we can get a new car.

That would be nice.

A BIT ABOUT ME....

Your Brain is 87% Female, 13% Male

You have the brain of a girly girl Which isn't a bad thing at all You're emphatetic, caring, and in tune with emotions. You're a good friend and give great advice.

What Gender Is Your Brain?

You Are 28% Open Minded

You aren't exactly open minded, but you have been known to occasionally change your mind. You're tolerant enough to get along with others who are very different... But you may be quietly judgmental of things or people you think are wrong. You take your own values pretty seriously, and it would take a lot to change them.

How Open Minded Are You?

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Time Of Day Are You?

The first one says "Your Brain is 87% Female and 13% Male",

the second one says "You Are 28% Open Minded" and the third one says

"You Are Sunrise"

I found these over at Angels blog and decided to see how I would score. We are completely different... like Day and Night - he he.

I must say,these are pretty accurate.

I’M SO EXCITED….

I am going on an LTT (Leadership Training Time) in Bloemfontein in September. It is a five day “conference” (for lack of a better word) and it will be my first time. I have been on the little one day LTT’s, but never a longer one. It will be led by Tyrone Daniel and it is always packed.

Now, why am I so very excited you may ask? Well I am looking forward so much to the LTT (there are several LTT’s throughout the year World Wide – but I can only afford to travel to Bloemfontein) because I have heard such excitng and wonderful things from people who have gone and I have been dying to go too – but this is not the real reason for my tremendous happiness and excitement at going.

Ok, let me start again. Last week Wednesday after our weekly prayer meeting, I told our Lead Elder that I would be going on this year’s LTT in Bloemfontein. He said that that was great. He then asked me if it would be possible for me to go down two days earlier. And I said I didn’t know I would have to check, and before I could continue he said that the reason he was asking was that if I could go earlier I would be able to be a part of the choir that sings with the band and the worship team and all that. I couldn’t believe it and I said that I was sure I would be able to do that.

I had no idea there was such an opportunity and I am so thrilled that Pete thought I would be a good addition to this choir!! I love being part of a worship team and now I cannot wait for September. I don’t even know yet where I am going to stay or how I am going to get there – but I know that God will make a way for me.

I can barely contain my joy!!! My name is on the list for the bookings and now I am counting the sleeps… like a 6 year old.

I realize that to many people this might seem silly – but I cannot tell you how it thrills me to know I will be a part of a worship team that will be leading more than 4000, yup - thats 4000 people from around the world in worship – for FIVE days!!!!!

This is HUGE people - HUGE!!!

I am doing the happy dance now……

MY DADDY…

To every little girl, her daddy is her hero. He is stronger and faster and bigger than any other daddy. There is no-one who even comes close. A daddy holds a place in his little girls heart that no-one else could ever fill, no matter what happens between them.

This is how I feel about my Dad. I have precious memories of moments shared between him and I that no-one else shared – little golden moments frozen in my memory like jewels. I keep them safely locked up so that I will never lose them or forget them.
Like the time mom and I had gotten up each others noses and I went outside in a sulk and dad came out to me where I was standing fighting back tears and he asked me what had happened and I told him. Without any words he erased all anger and fear in my heart simply by taking me and hugging me tightly to his chest.

And the time he warned me about a boyfriend I was seeing who was a real loser. He very gently and lovingly warned me that I could stay with him and live out my life the way it was already – or I could get out of the relationship and find someone better (which I did). My dad is not a man of many words and he never discusses other people and so when he offered me this advice – I took it very seriously.

Then there was the time my hubby and I went fishing with my dad and I had him all to myself. I think there were other people there too, but I don’t remember if there were. My little sister had gone in to have tumor removed from her shoulder which they feared might have been cancerous on the same weekend and we were all very concerned, anyway I got a call from mom saying it was not cancerous and I was the one who could go and tell dad. I will never forget the look of relief on his face, as he grabbed in a hug once again.

And the time he walked me down the isle to give me away at my wedding – a moment every little girl dreams of one day. He told my mom we were not allowed to play Butterfly Kisses at the wedding cause it would make him sad.

And of course there was the time hubby and I went to my parent’s house to tell them we were pregnant. I ran into their house waving a pregnancy test at them and dad saw me first and said “what’s that..?” and at the exact same time his eyes lit up as he realized what it was. He grabbed me and hugged me in his joy – I never expected him to be so excited about it.
Dad and I are very much the same, we take things personally – especially from our children and we really beat ourselves over the head when we make a mistake – especially with our children. But you know, I am the person I am because of my dad – and I am proud of him and the things he has overcome in his life.

Every dad wants to protect his little girl from every evil, every hurt and every bad thing. And although dads are hard and tough on the outside they are tender and loving on the inside and all they want is to know that their little girls love them.

If there is one piece of advice I can give to all dads it is this: Ask Jesus to make you just like Him, cause your child is going to want to be just like you.

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there. Your children love you and need you more than you will know – or than they may let on.

Daddy – I love you !!!

MY DEAR FRIEND….

My friend went overseas for 9 months and I really missed her so, so much. Then one day I found this comment on my blog which was from her while she was away.

Anonymous said…
Ja - it sounds like you're leaving forever. *Nou weet jy hoe het ek gevoel toe ek vir jou moes koebaai se.

**Mis jou en Lief jou en this blog is just what i needed to stay in touch.

Lief jou
Reta

I know she was terribly homesick while she was there and I really missed her very much. The important thing is she is back – and I didn’t even know she was back until she came walking into my office the other day. I was so thrilled to see her, it was just what the doctor ordered. I cannot remember when last I was so happy to see someone.

There is no-one here at work that laughs with me the way she did – we were always in fits of giggles about lifts, robots, bubblegum, tekkies, flats and so much more. And she hadn’t been in my office for 5 minutes and we were peeing ourselves laughing again.

If your are British you will know what a Lift and a Flat is. A lift is an Elevator and a Flat is an Apartment. Robots are traffic lights, bubblegum is chewing gum and tekkies are sneakers – and we would laugh cause we imagined living abroad and being late for work one day and telling your boss the following: “Ja, my key got stuck in my Flat door and then I got Bubblegum on my Tekkie in the Lift and I was stopped by a broken Robot on the road…” And then we would laugh because the boss would not have a clue what you were on about.

You had to be there....

And every afternoon we would have tea at 4:00 pm in the kitchen. I can make a killer cup of tea - or "life saving tea" as she calls it.

She is a ray of sunshine who came into my life at a time when I really needed a friend like her. I had just found out sad news about my brother's baby and shortly after that my younger sister went through a huge crisis - two in fact and a very dear family friend passed away all around the time Reta came into my life. She was just there for me in a way no-one else could be at that time and she still brings sunshine into my life. When I had to give my Kitty away - she cried with me too. And when I almost lost my dad in the beginning of the year - she was the one I turned to. Even though she was far away and all I could do was e-mail her, she was again there for me. We have laughed together and cried together and she is very special to me.

We have the kind of bond that will survive distance, heartache and differences - no matter what we are experiencing or who we are at any given time, one thing remains constant, and that is our friendship.

Love you too Reta

*"Now you know how I felt when I had to say goodbye to you ".
**"Miss you and love you and…"

MUNDANE MONDAY
Do you think it is a coincidence that these two words sound similar?? I think Mondays are Mundane and we all hate the Mundane don't we? Which is why we all hate Mondays! Doesn't it just make so much sense??
Mundane Mondays, thats what I will call them from now on, no more Blue Mondays, it is now Mundane Mondays. And to top it all this morning some freek crashed into my hubby - he is not injured, but the car is pretty banged up and now he has to go to the police and contact the insurance company and blah, blahblah, blah, blaaaah! Can you get any more Mundane than that? Twit, why didn't he look where he was going! Thankfully my hubby is fine - you can replace a car, but not a hubby.
At least this week will be a short one - WOOHOO - because Friday is a Public Holiday, and the Comrades Marathon is taking place. And Sunday is Fathers Day. (HEY another one: Sundaes and Sundays!! Sunday is my favourite day of the week, and Sundaes are yummy too and I love a choc-nut-fudge sundae, coincidence - I don't think so!!!) So if I can just make it through this Mundane Monday and then through the other 3 days left of this week I can sit back and enjoy the long weekend. This day is almost over, only 2 more hours to go - then I can go home - yawn....

FRIDAY FRUMP (GATVOL)
Ok gals, this blogger is not having a good friday - don't ask why cause I couldn't tell ya if I tried. Well I could, but I don't want to lay it all on you guys, I will say that I do feel like just packing my stuff into a great big convertable vintage car and riding off by myself until I feel like coming back. And if it is a week or a month or even just two days - than thats how long I will stay away.
I want to leave my hubby and the kids and the housework and the homework and the wifework and all the other stuff that come with being a mom and a wife far far behind me until I start to miss them all.

My neck and shoulders hurt with tension and my heart is sore and I feel a bit used and walked on. I am probably just wallowing in my own muck right now, but frankly I am so tired of everything.... Then I think "is this normal?" "am I supposed to feel like this....?" Ugh - whatever......

I know I'll be back to normal on Monday again, this is not permanent. Hope you all have a fab weekend, and if you don't hear from me again - then you'll know I found a great big convertable vintage car somewhere and I've buggered off on my own. LOL!!!

SWEET MEMORIES …..

This morning I was reminded of something Marke used to do when he was about 3. He had us all totally baffled because he would run around playing and wherever he went he would shout “HIMBEYAAM!!!!” We tried for months to figure out what he was saying but eventually we just left it. When I was at my parents house they would ask what Marke was shouting, but I couldn’t tell them.
One day in the December holidays I was at home with the boys and we rented a whole bunch of movies to watch through the holiday, one of them was "Toy Story" and the one character Buzz Light Year says – “To Infinity, An Beyond!!” before flying. And then I clicked – Marke was shouting “And Beyond!!!” from the movie. I had such a good giggle at him and I was finally able to tell everyone what he was saying.
Now Sean often gets things wrong, and we often have a giggle at him. I remember when we watched Spiderman, the first one, and the part where Peter Parker discovers his powers and that he can shoot webs from his wrist and while trying to figure out how to do this he flicks his wrist and says “Up and away web!”, after the movie Sean was of course Spiderman all over the place and he flicked his wrist and said “uppellapieweb”. It was very funny.
And when Sean was small I was trying to teach him the difference between sniffing and blowing his nose because whenever I asked him to blow he would sniff and vise versa. And one day after watching the movie “In the Army” I was singing that song “John, Jacob, Jingleheimer Schmidt, that’s my name too…” to Sean and when I said "Schmidt" – he sniffed with all his might! I had to share this with someone so I called my mother, we were visiting there when this happened, to show her what he was doing and we sang the song to him together and every time we would get to Schmidt, Sean would sniff! “John, Jacob Jinglehiemer Sniff..." – is what he must have been hearing. It was hysterically funny. Poor kid must have thought we were mad.

IS FOR ……......


Peach – A really wonderful lady who nominated this letter for me, and I hope I can do it justice. Thanks Peach, God bless you.

Prayers – I am a strong believer in prayers. I have seen them work and I have always received answers to all my prayers.

Photos – I love, love, love taking photos!! And I love, love, love digital cameras!!! (Check out my flickr, I just put new photos up today!!!)

Pets – I love having pets, don’t have any at the moment though. But as soon as I can I will definitely get another kitty – hubby says so too.

Post-its – I use these everywhere at work, as reminders or to leave notes for other people or as a book mark or a tag, there are many uses for them.

Pudding – I don’t always have pudding cause sometimes am I too stuffed after a meal, but my apple pie and anything chocolate – mmmmmmm, these are a few of my favourite things….

Parents – Ok, I have the best parents ever!!! And, ask yourself, where would most of us be without our Parents? I love my mom and dad very much and i am so blessed to have them as parents.

Poetry – I love to write poetry, if you want to read my poems go here just poetry - or don’t, whatever you like. I know they ar all Christian poems, but God is my inspiration.

Presents – I love getting presents, but even more – I love to give presents. I love picking them out for that special someone, wrapping it, writing in a little card, giving it to that person and watching their face when they open it – that’s just the best!!

Pies – Apple pie and chicken pie, nothing else thank you. Oh, and only my home made apple pie will do for me. You should really try it one day – I know you will never want any other apple pie again either!!!

Thanks Peach for nominating this letter for me. I thought it would really be a challenge, but you know it wasn’t that bad afterall. If you want a letter, let me know in your comments and I will nominate a letter for you too.